100 thoughts on “How to STOP the DISEASE TO PLEASE! Attn: ALL PEOPLE PLEASERS!

  1. After watching this, I've realised I'm a people pleaser. I'm going to try and change things and make myself a better person.

  2. You have to be very careful. Letting children having their own way too much is the driving force in the explosion in narcissism

  3. @stephanie lyn coaching First: I would love to Thank you for this video. The way that my Philippine culture is has shaped me into such a people pleaser. I'm going to be a mom pretty soon here and I don't want my child to pick up on my people pleaser personality. I want to change. Is there a book on this topic that you would recommend or that helped you to coach yourself to become more self aware?

  4. I think “Me first” is the core belief of the narcissism. So your advice of “me first”is a defensive tactics and this make us behavior get like narcissistic people. Two wrongs does not make it right. That’s why we have a broken society today. The common grace practice must be “ mutual respect first” . And do onto others as you would have done to you!

  5. I thank the Lord for showing me your Videos and it's helping me out in the real world . Much love from Sydney Australia

  6. I wish I had this video 20 years ago. The amounts of pain and anguish I could have avoided. I tick every checkbox on that list and o am married to someone who does emotionally abuse and manipulates me. A realization is one thing, figuring out how to fix it will be far more difficult.

  7. My mom passed when I was 5 & my narcissist father remarried multiple times so I’ve suffered over a decade of depression, anxiety, ptsd, and not to mention lack of confidence and self respect. I’m now I’m my early 20s and loving myself more than ever as I create the life I’ve always wanted. Your videos help tremendously and I couldn’t have discovered your channel at a better time. You’re my honorary mom in my head lol stay beautiful

  8. Can you do a video for people who have to interact with narcissistic people, specifically ex wives (parenting children together) who seek narc Supply through ways that are not abusive but annoying.

  9. Great advice. I have suffered from this too, and been taken advantage of as a result. More things I wish I'd known when I was younger …

  10. All I ever wanted to do was play music in a band. I can remember the times I was allowed to in vivid detail because it was maybe three times. I played bass by myself everyday in my room everyday. Playing bass by yourself is the lamest most unfulfilling thing you can do

  11. So much of your sharing online has hit the bullseye in a painfully accurate way. Thanks for everything you are doing and keep up the great work. Its hard stuff to learn but it is really helpful.

  12. My husband was surprised when I finally stopped being a pleaser…first he thought I was being mean and then he said I was selfish. It took him a couple months but now he’s happy with the new normal.

  13. This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.

  14. Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me… smhh I gotta stop!!

  15. That is true, my parents aunties and grandparents did that. Except my dad I believe.
    That’s exactly how I been doing as I grew up. Dang, right on the dot. Getting approval and praised to do something for someone made me feel better.
    That does sound good idea for future children. Giving them choices they have to make, instead of praising them to the point where they would create a disease to please. Hopefully I said that right. Forgive me, I have disability that makes it hard for me to speak my mind without messing up, saying something I didn’t mean or totally screwing up what I’m trying to say.

  16. Wow… 42 years old..and just finding out I have ALWAYS been Codependent… Now..where do I start..not being such when its 42 years of patterns.. Is it too late for me?

  17. Really look forward to all your videos! Was raised to put others first and then learned to fill my own body and soul first. Such a hard thing to unlearn though. I still see my siblings do it and it makes me cringe. Can’t change them though

  18. I find you videos incredibly helpful – Im a people pleaser unfortunately and really find it hard to stand up for myself. After watching the video Im more aware what Im doing and how to change – hopefully will manage it 😀

  19. Excellent and wise. Especially the initial perspective on "old school" parents and fear of confrontation. It has taken me years to learn I was a "people pleaser" but one of the best parts of growing older is that we naturally begin to question that programmed response. I am learning to set boundaries, to say "No" when necessary, and to trust myself more. It has been painful, especially in the romantic relationship department but I am a work in progress, and this is a core issue with me. I have sought professional counseling at least 3 times in my life, but none of the mental health therapists nailed it like you did in 18 minutes. Wherever "there" is, I am getting there…, thanks so much! My next relationship will be much healthier as a result I'm sure. One post-script: would love to hear you say something about the connection between chronic people pleasing, hiding one's inner anger at being that way, and substance use/abuse. I have always hated the taste of alcohol but binge-drinking on weekends sure numbed me to my inner rage. I can see now that by the end of a week of being a major people pleaser in my life and work I was secretly furious at life and people. I am better now and getting better. Not afraid of confronting others when necessary now, setting boundaries, nor saying bye bye to toxic people in my life. And Mr. Smirnoff no longer is my weekend chum. Keep up the good work.

  20. So glad I found your video. Good Lord that is just me. Boy do I feel guilty if I ever say no and that need to feel loved.

  21. I always know inherently what is good for me but since having kids it has gotten much worse. I do things because of them. Things I do not want to do. How do you marry the responsibility you have for your kids and your own needs. I see absolutely no one talking about codependency and parenthood.

  22. The opinions if others just really dont matter. That's some of the best words ever. And so true..

    Might I add another thing that causes one to wanna please is the fear of being rejected and wanting to be accepted . Or fear of being beat by the abuser so you try your best to do what you think will please them and live up to their standards and in the process you start to lose yourself. I know from experience as being mentally, emotionally and physically abused as a child and teen . God Bless everyone and my pray is that everyone who struggles with this learn to love themselves enough to say NO and take a stand for self learn to be who you are . No More People Pleasing and they opinions DON'T Matter.

  23. Thank you so much! I'm so gratefull that i'm listening your wise word! I've read tons of books but your lessons are awesome🤗

  24. I Think your videoes are the best. I Think this video is more you telling us what a pleaser is and not so Much what to do… :/ Hope to See Another video Where you focus on tools to so the behavior 🙂 hugs from Denmark:)

  25. Wow! So much of this is so much like myself I hate conflict in case I just have to… I have difficulty saying No! I always like to see people happy other than myself sometimes!!! I think I’m in a relationship with a narcissist right Now!!! and do know how to exit because I don’t want to hurt her feelings….,

  26. This channel has been eye opening to me about issues that I could not bring to terms. Although healing is further down the road, the first step in healing is knowing the problem. Learning that there is a title for the way I am (an empath and an extremely codependent one if I must say) gives me a reference point to begin the stages of betterment. I’m grateful to learn from you and words cannot describe my gratitude! “Always forward, forward always.” Luke Cage

  27. I really enjoyed your video.I found it very useful.I,too,have fallen in the trap of people pleasing but I am managing my escape beautifully.Thank you .

  28. I love these videos! The information is wonderful and enlightening and the way you deliver it is so normal and easy to understand!

  29. I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video – the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.

  30. Can you please make a video of how to balance your assertiveness? I feel that because when i was a child people had no respect for my bounderies and i was a people pleaser, i went in to the other extreme where i put my boundaries a bit aggressivly and a bit too much aggressive now. Thanks a lot you are one of my biggest self awaerness teachers😍

  31. I think I became a people pleaser because of the way my mom treated me when I was young. She had that "I'm the boss" attitude. It was her way or the highway. I was to never question her and always do as she said. Her favorite phrase? "Because I said so". I wish I could tell her how much she harmed me, but she'd never understand or want to hear it.

  32. U are a blessing and an angel I stumble across your channel because I deal with a toxic person for 5 years and I needed advice and to understand what I went threw turns out my was abused by my and for years and I found my self going threw the same cycle without even knowing I’m over the relationship with him know healing I just wanna day thank u

  33. Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about :
    – it's not all my fault always
    – it's possible to have false guilt
    – boundaries
    – it's OK and take care for once self first
    – narcissism
    – codependency
    – it's possible and ok to love yourself
    – is OK to leave a conversation calmly
    – it's OK to do something without spouses permission
    – it's OK to make decisions without asking
    – NO is a complete sentence
    – it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min
    – Having the right to have and keep an opinion

  34. Wow, I can’t believe I’ve discovered your channel – it is exactly what I need and your delivery Stephanie is engaging and very clear.

  35. Focus on yourself and no to those who harrassment bully or not nice to women and say no. I'm no longer a people pleaser because I say no to themselves toxic men online I don't care about there bullshit behavior and leave the mj posers and bullying men and abusers manipulater men.
    Keep saying no I never date or ever have x with any of then I rattter throw up instead. Bye bye toxic men.

  36. Wow where have you been all my life. I've watched countless videos on this topic and no one had explained it as well as you did. Thank you! This video helped me a lot.

  37. So…how fucked up am i if i checked all of the boxes…? Like i have genuine anxiety and panic attacks when i have to call off work. I have a serious problem with "alpha" personalities…please help!!

  38. I've watched a lot of your videos and I was wondering… I keep going back to this same guy and having a relationship with him that never works and it's like I'm drawn to him over and over again and it's especially strong when I'm in a relationship with another guy. This guy cares about me dont get me wrong and I care about him but it always seems to fade or fall apart and I want to know why this is and what I should do?

  39. I am very good at making decisions usually! I select something and go! and i have some PP tendencies still, yet I'm workin on it! it is about boundaries and standards…

  40. but yes i needed validation and asked opinions of people more 🙂 ofcourse for important stuff. what color ? i just go with flow 🙂

  41. 14:00 yes I've avoided confirontation and fights because of my bringin up childhood memories and when I I standed up for myseelf my parents literally emotionall tortured me at point or at least afterwards…

  42. maybe you shouldnt force him to put on coat , just tell it is cold outside and if he doesnt wear it willfully he would get cold and get sick.. if he doesnt choose to wear it is a lesson for life 🙂 4:00

  43. 8:30 ok ive had too those types of choices, maybe it is good but not enough… but as i got older.. the right to speak and taken seriously in general family meetings has never been given to me.. like never ever… i got disturbed by this when i saw, i wasnt jealous but i said what the friday… even my cousins little children had more say than me and i am still being shut up my dad or mom or if i ever darer to speak later i made very uğpset about that choice that i spoke very idiotivcaklly it literally goes on.. and in general family meetings nobody STILL gives attention to me.. so i stopped joişning those meetings now… i meqn every person needs to be heard and see their thoughts and ideas worth something' i really love facebook.. for the last 10 years it has helped möe break down a lot of barriers and gave me self confidence!

  44. Wow. I'm so happy you said that in the end about you watching videos all the time because that's what I do now. I've been feeling a little down recently so I just thought it wasn't working anymore but its a process and I'll get through this. Thank you Stephanie. You're very helpful!

  45. Yes I had this disease. You hit the nail on the head. Strict mother. My mother would hit than ask questions.

  46. When do we know we are not being selfish by saying no? I mean: not being pleasant or helpful or caring, somehow can seem like we are not nice or are being an a… hole, jerks, not flexible or caring.

  47. But don't your children need to learn that life is sometimes about doing things that they don't want to and they'll feel better after they accomplish it (ie work paying bills etc)?and also for anyone interested this concept of giving your children non-harmful choices is taught in a program called love and logic the program also demonstrates letting natural consequence occur in some instances.

  48. screw old schoolers. they are gone in a couple decades, and we have the task on our shoulders to save the planet from their selfish dominating ignorance which they call 'proper upbringing' and 'being conservative' I wish I knew better words gee I hate them

  49. I can't believe it .. all this video you're talking about me !! My life .. you opend my eyes ..really thank you so much ..God bless you 🙏🙏❤

  50. Truly said. It's a high time to end such a programmed behavior. But it's possible with practice. Thank u for such a wonderful video

  51. Going through a divorce and it has been very painful. Your videos have helped me to evaluate myself and decide what I need to learn from this experience.

  52. Ohhhh StephStephSteph….. WADR… word sums up to me what you are
    Totally & Completely about…..
    B. A. D. A. S. S. 👍♊🇵🇭😰😰🌴🏂🗽🙋✌🏄😨👆🐬👣🐬🌴🌴🐬🌴🐬👣👍🐵You and a four year old in my Life after a 28 year Betrayal would be…..
    " Shangri-La "…. Your knowledge is mezmerizing
    captivating & so very applicable…. Great Titles/Content/Delivery Stephanie ✌

  53. I had a long distance relationship, i spent my life savings getting a work permit in Canada to be with this woman. When i got there she caught me i just did not know it yet, until she began to isolate me from friends i made at work, belittled me on a daily basis and gas lighted me. from the moment i walked in the door from work she was picking at me and using coercive control nothing was ever good enough for her. she pressured me to stay at an incredibly dangerous and horrible work environment because i was stupid enough to get her full health coverage which meant she bullied me into staying there in my place. she beat me and scarred me for life because i forgot the cat food which was actually her original responsibility, i was seven minutes late once and apologized then when she started to blow up i stood my ground then she would jump up and down on the spot like a screaming toddler screaming stop it stop it stop it then would proceed to throw things at me. She was an ultra feminist which plays well into the hands of narcissists because no matter what they do they are always the victim of patriarchy or whatever the fuck that means. But this all could have been avoided if i was just not a people pleaser.

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